This past week, I’ve been reflecting on what seems to have been a critical experience in the formation of a lot of people’s understanding of their sexuality as teenagers. It happens in schools (particularly Christian schools, I would assume, but correct me if I’m wrong) and youth groups, and it is so well-intentioned, yet so damaging to many. Teachers or youth leaders separate the guys and the girls, and male teachers/leaders talk to the guys about pornography and masturbation, and female teachers/leaders talk to the girls about modesty. Let me outline some problems that I’ve seen with this, both from my own personal experience and from others I’ve talked to.
***DISCLAIMER***
I’m not trying to make truth claims, and I’m not intending to over-generalize the effects that I’ve observed. I’m just presenting some thoughts I have formulated. I’m not a boy, so some of my points concerning boys were based on inferences I’ve made over the years. Feel free to (respectfully) correct me if you think my views are inaccurate.
(1) The girls often walk away feeling ashamed of their bodies.
When we tell girls they need to cover up because it’s their responsibility to keep the guys’ lustful eyes in check, we’re encouraging them to be ashamed of their bodies and the message is often interpreted as “your body causes your brothers to stumble, so it’s bad and you should cover it up.”
(2) The girls begin to view men as dangerous brutes who are incapable of controlling themselves.
When girls are told that it’s their responsibility to keep guys from lusting, they are given the idea that guys cannot control themselves, so it’s up to the girls to carry that weight on their own. This idea undermines girls’ abilities to respect guys as humans who are capable of being decent. I experienced this with my fiancé, and even now, over three years into our relationship, I still find myself occasionally overcompensating for his (imagined) inability to treat me in a respectable manner. He’s never given me any reason not to trust him to treat me well, but my past experiences trained me to see him in a negative light.
(3) The guys begin to view themselves as dangerous brutes who are incapable of controlling themselves.
Not only are the girls’ views of guys negatively impacted, but the guys also are given the message that they have little control over their sex drives. They begin to see themselves in the same negative light as the girls. This may lead to justification of sexual sin, because they think that their sexually driven actions are out of their control, or “normal.” This also may lead to compounded shame because they feel out of control and they want to be in control.
(4) Talking only to guys about pornography and masturbation perpetuates the false idea that those are exclusively guys’ problems.
This is one lie that continues to astound me. When we lead girls to think that pornography and masturbation are guys’ problems, we heap truckloads of shame on the girls when they are struggling. So many girls struggle with this, and yet, it’s never been something we talk about. Covenant Eyes has a statistics pack that is a downloadable PDF on their website. It says that in 2008, more than 560 college students responded to an online survey. The results were astonishing — the report states that according to the survey, 93% of boys and 62% of girls were exposed to pornography before the age of 18 (www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats/). The report provides pages of information, and I would encourage you to take a look.
This is also a problem for the guys, because it leads them to normalize pornography and masturbation. I once dated someone who tried to downplay his pornography use by telling me that I would be hard pressed to find a guy who didn’t watch porn. Guys try to justify it because everyone does it, and they are almost expected to. Girls also begin to normalize it, as I did, and they expect that every guy they date watches porn. This is a perspective that is hard to change.
(5) Talking to the girls and guys separately causes division where there should be unity.
We have established by now that we are all sexually broken. We are all impacted in some way by sexual sin, and we can’t combat that sin effectively if we are not combating it in unity. The separate conversations make teenagers feel like it’s inappropriate or taboo to talk to members of the opposite sex about these issues. Our battle against sexual sin should not be a battle we are fighting alone. Sure, dressing modestly is important, but how can we level the playing field? I think we need to show teenagers that it’s not exclusively the girls’ responsibility to keep the guys from stumbling, but it’s also not exclusively the guys’ responsibility to keep themselves in check. After the separated conversations when I was in high school, classmates would make jokes about it. Girls would mock the teachers who emphasized the importance of not “causing our brothers to stumble.” The girls and the guys felt really awkward because we didn’t know how to talk to each other. The conversation had been initiated separately, so there was no room for it to become a joint conversation. It may be awkward, but talking about pornography with high schoolers in a co-ed setting does not seem like something to avoid just because it can sometimes be uncomfortable.
That being said, I’d like to hear about your experiences! Here are some discussion questions to guide your responses. Don’t feel limited by these questions — I just want to hear your thoughts!
- Did you experience something like this? What happened? How did it shape your view of yourself and the opposite sex?
- Do you see any particular benefits to having this (initial) conversation take place with the girls and the guys in separate settings? Do you see any other problems with it that I did not mention?
- What solutions would you suggest as an alternative to this method?
- My perspective is sorely limited as a female. Guys — are my inferences correct? What kinds of effects (good or bad) do you think these types of conversations had on you or your friends? What was the tone like and how was the message interpreted?
**Note: I reserve the right to use comments left on this blog as part of my research for this project and any further related projects**
The Proverbs 2 Project 
Ok, I’m going to have to go through your blog points and then the study questions on this one :o). So. Many. Thoughts.
1) So the main point of this post was to explore the effects of splitting guys and girls up for the “sex talk” – would modesty not be taught in a co-ed session as well? It seems the problem here is with the way that modesty is taught, not with gender specific talks per se. My answer to the problem of “body shaming” is to tell girls that the female body is a beautiful thing and that is why it needs the appropriate covering. If we actually mean it when we say sex is good and beautiful, then having a body that brings about sexual desire in a man is not a bad thing. Moreover we shouldn’t be surprised at how effective the female body is to that end. The key is making sure we reserve that landscape for the person it was intended and don’t allow our bodies to become cheap thrills for every man we meet. Personally I’m growing tired of the idea that encouraging modesty = body shaming. I think this is a concept that started outside the church and has crept in. We live in a world where my rights are greater than my responsibility to my peers, and that is not Biblical. A Biblical life is lived in humbly seeking the good of those around you and that’s what modesty is about.
2) We are all dangerous brutes. This is where I think we mess up. If we are not fully aware of our capacity to sin, we cannot effectively ward it off. When older women in the faith discuss a man’s sex drive with younger women, it is not to demonize men – at least it shouldn’t be. It is to be realistic about a man’s capacity to sin. There is a kind of healthy fear in the way unmarried Christian people interact with each other – it may not feel good to be on guard, but it is necessary. Also, youth leaders cannot be naive and think that their students will always date Godly men. Many men really don’t try to control themselves and have no interest in a girls sexual purity, much less their own. Rest assured, I did not take these matters as seriously as I should have and have only come to see the wisdom in it later in life.
3) I often have trouble drawing the connection between the teaching and the conclusions on this blog. What are the boys being told that makes them think this? There seem to be assumptions about the boy talk that aren’t being spelled out. I completely understand how the world and their peers are giving guys this message, but where is it coming from in the actual teaching? If we are supposed to be analyzing teaching methods, being separated from girls is not what is causing guys to think this. What is?
4) I challenge your assertion that “so many girls” struggle with porn. The statistic you give is accurate, but you chose the “exposure” statistic instead of the much less shocking 18% of girls and 68% of guys watch porn weekly statistic. Some girls struggle with porn and it should be addressed in these kinds of talks – but lets be honest about the scope of the problem. Girls are less likely to watch internet porn, but somebody bought a million copies of 50 Shades, and they weren’t mostly guys. The kinds of sexually explicit material that most girls find appealing is different than the sexually explicit guys find appealing. So talk about porn, but really talk about “romance” novels.
5) I am not convinced that creating an atmosphere where guys and girls can openly talk about sex solves more problems than it creates. You talk about “unity” and fighting temptation “together” but what does that mean? Does having the discussion within gender groups make us not on the same side in the fight? What can a girl learn from a guy that she can’t learn from an older female mentor? Maybe it shouldn’t be comfortable for teenagers to talk to each other about sex. How much do teenagers need to know about sex from each other?
If the purpose of this blog is to encourage biblical discussion on sexuality in youth ministry, I would like to see more biblical criticisms of the methodology than anecdotal criticisms. Maybe you are holding back to facilitate more discussion? I am wondering how scripture plays into the debate.
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Elizabeth, I have a few questions and responses to some of the things you say.
1) I definitely agree that the whole purpose of modesty is “humbly seeking the good of those around you.” I also agree that the whole idea of modesty = body shaming is frustrating because that is clearly not what the Bible teaches nor is it what the purity movement meant to convey, however it seems clear that the way it was presented did cause many women to view their bodies in a shameful manner. I think we would agree that the problem seems to be how we should talk about modesty, not so much that it needs to be in mixed gender groups. That all being said, my question is should modesty be something that is only talked about to women? Because in my experience it is just as important for the men to be modest as well. On the last post you commented about how most men sexualize things that women don’t sexualize, therefore even a simple push of the shoulders can be ‘sexual’ in the eyes of men. I agree that a lot of things are sexualized by men, but I would argue that women sexualize things too. If we didn’t, then there wouldn’t be such a big hype about men’s arm muscles or their abs or even their facial hair. I don’t disagree with you on the idea of men sexualizing things, but I don’t think we can talk about it as just a male issue because it is a female issue too. Therefore I believe that if women also sexualize the ‘non-genital’ parts of men, then men also need to be talking about modesty. I would also add that because modesty has been such a female issue, I do think it could be important to talk about it in a mixed gender group to make it clear to both sides that it isn’t just a female problem, that it is in fact a human problem.
2/3) In regards to your confusion about what men are being taught to make them think they are sexual brutes, from the men I’ve talked to, I would say that it goes hand in hand with the idea that women need to cover up so that they prevent their brothers from stumbling – this can imply that the men can’t control themselves so the women have to do all the work. (I’m not saying this is what is always taught nor am I saying that I agree with it.) I do think it is good for women to be modest so that we can help our brothers out, just as they need to be modest to help us out, but ultimately it is up to each individual to not act out on temptation. So I agree that this concept comes more from the teaching but I do wonder how things may change if we were all taught in a mixed gender group
4) In regards to pornography, I totally agree that the statistics do show that more men view videos weekly and that is an issue, however I grew up in a household where explicit romance novels were also called porn. It may be different in how it looks but it is all for the same purpose, that purpose being masturbation. I also have to say that since books and movies such as Fifty Shades has come out, the percentage of ‘porn’ use has gone up for females.
5) I want to just say that I don’t think all discussions need to be in mixed-gender settings because there is a difference between men and women that God created specifically to be unique and beautiful apart from one another. There is also a sense of embarrassment that men and women have with each other, especially at such a young age. It is good to have same gender-specific conversations so that people can share burdens and questions with each other that won’t spread to rumors or humiliation. That being said, what girls can learn from guys is the guys’ perspective. Older women can’t give us an honest male perspective no matter how much they try because they are not male. In my opinion, the opposite gender perspective is so important in these kinds of topics. I don’t believe that confession in young teens needs to occur in mixed-gender groups, but talking about sexuality and all that it entails can be such a blessing if it is in mixed groups. In my high school youth group I remember one summer when I was struggling with masturbation and I thought I was completely alone in this sin. I had never known another female with the same problem but I knew that the guys struggled with it. It made me feel really strange, and kind of masculine, because I knew that guys had their own talks about this issue, but it wasn’t a thing for girls. I think that if there were talks for girls too that would help, but in many cases I believe there should be more than just girl or boy talks. What helped me the most was an older female intern who was telling her story to our entire youth group. She mentioned that she had struggled with porn and masturbation for years and that it was still a struggle even in college. When she shared that one piece of her story it helped me so much because for the first time I didn’t feel alone. I also knew that she just admitted this sin in front of all the guys therefore they were hearing that it wasn’t just a man’s battle. From then on I began to feel more and more free to talk about these things with others and when it came time to tell my husband on one of our first dates, I wasn’t as ashamed because I knew that it was not as unique as I once believed it to be.
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I appreciate Elizabeth’s comments. And I really appreciate your posts, Megan. I think you are on to something really great!! I think there is a desperate need for an understanding of sexuality from a biblical Christian perspective! I didn’t catch the difference between homosexual and SSA till I read this post so thank you.
Because I resonated with Elizabeth’s comments a lot, I’ll say what I liked about her comments and add my thoughts about your post along with those, according to her number points:
1 — “The key is making sure we reserve that landscape for the person it was intended and don’t allow our bodies to become cheap thrills for every man we meet.”
2 — “There is a kind of healthy fear in the way unmarried Christian people interact with each other – it may not feel good to be on guard, but it is necessary.” And I’d add, it doesn’t change when you’re married–married individuals still need to use some wisdom and be reserved with the opposite sex, and now with the same sex to not cross the boundaries of sexuality and flirtation in our interactions.
3 — If you don’t mind my saying, it does seem as though you are making some very vivid illustrations that no one would disagree are wrong, but are those the only ways people are interpreting “purity”? E.g. is the teaching of girls to be modest always the communicating body shaming? My personal experience is limited but different: I taught my daughter the word ‘modesty’ when she was a toddler and she has thankfully grown up (now 16) with no sense of shame about her body. Her girlfriends at church seem to have a similar view. Anyway, I think your claims would be more effective if they were stated more mildly, but back them up with data too. The purity movement may actually be doing a good job, but I think that you have something very valuable to add–it’s extremely urgent that the church address sexuality, as soon as possible!
4 — “The kinds of sexually explicit material that most girls find appealing is different than the sexually explicit guys find appealing.” “So talk about porn, but really talk about “romance” novels.” So true!
5 — “I am not convinced that creating an atmosphere where guys and girls can openly talk about sex solves more problems than it creates.” I agree. (Personally, I’d really rather not send my daughter to a mixed school or youth group to talk about sexuality.)
What I would really like is for a resource I could use with my daughter to talk together one-on-one about sexuality according to what we need to know given the current culture. Girl-and-mom may not always be the reality for discussions of sex and sexuality but it sure seems like the ideal, and I like striving for the ideal. Any suggestions? Is that possibly an application of your project?
By the way, I know that no one needs another book on their list of “to-read” but this one is really excellent for addressing shame: Shame Interrupted by Ed Welch. (https://www.amazon.com/Shame-Interrupted-Lifts-Worthlessness-Rejection/dp/1935273981) He digs deep and really provides a powerful Biblical understanding of shame AND the remedy, unfolding it in a gentle and beautiful journey. It’s so effective I feel like if shame is dealt with, then I can see more clearly to address my other sin issues–now they seem less powerful.
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I agree that at large the sex conversation seems to be unbalanced. I haven’t personally felt attacked or disparaged in this way, but it is frustrating that our culture (and I think the church as well) seems to accept that guys just can’t help themselves. I think for a long time this mindset helped to perpetuate my mistaken view that sex was dirty because I only saw its abuses, not the way it was created to be.
I think the main benefits of having those conversations separately is that people feel more comfortable to be honest and vulnerable when in groups of their own gender. I think the responsibility lies on the group leader to lead the discussion with a balanced perspective. That being said, we had joint discussions on sex with our high schoolers last semester and that went very well. It may not have spoken to each student’s individual needs and questions as well, but we did get the chance to speak to everyone about the same issues in the same way.
I like the idea of having initial conversations (especially when younger) in mixed settings and then splitting as discussion goes deeper. Everyone needs to know that their thoughts and their actions are their responsibility regardless of gender, but there are things that guys and girls experience differently. I’m totally on board with all of your points, though (if that wasn’t clear). There is definitely a lack of balance in this conversation
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Hey Megan, this is Tim Schwab! It’s been quite a while haha, and I hope you are doing well up there on the mountain. I saw this post on my Facebook feed from an old friend and was intrigued and then delighted to find what seemed to be the beginnings of a wonderful discussion on sexuality. This is an important discussion for all societies at all times, and especially for the Church in the (post) post-modern, Western iteration of society.
Over here in Clemson, I am a part of RUF and am in my fourth semester of leading a guys’ study on “Sexual Sanity” with my college peers. Because of this, I can perhaps give a valuable perspective on some of your topics. Namely, I can give a male perspective and a leader’s perspective.
I will not attempt to comment on observation one or two, because I do not have the experience of being a woman. I can easily see how these are often true, however.
My first comment will be on your third observation, that men see themselves as brutes who cannot be trusted. I can confirm that this is often the case. With some, this manifests itself as the inability to feel conviction over the question of sexual sin’s morality. They tend to not feel guilt when they see their actions as unavoidable. But with most, it manifests itself as a very deep sense of shame, as you have guessed. It is possible that my perception is skewed, as the ones dealing with shame are more likely to attend the study.
I shout that your fourth observation is correct. This past fall and this spring my RUF has also had a girls’ study on the topic, and I am overjoyed at this.
Now, about your main point, segregated discussions. I believe that separate discussions are vital, and I believe that discussions together are vital. I do not claim to know much of the women’s perspective, but I know some of the men’s. As I mentioned before, among the deepest issues that I try to address in my study is shame. I earnestly encourage the men to know and believe that they are known and loved by God, and this is where their true value lies.
Yet, though they know this, shame persists. There is perhaps a whole host of reasons for this. One may be that Christian culture has historically given an over-emphasis on proper sexuality. But another reason for shame is that viewing pornography is, in fact, a sin that they ought to stop, but they feel that they are unable. Even further, it is a sin that indirectly hurts real women, both those we do not know and those we do know. The pornographic industry destroys the actors within it, leaving them feeling worthless, or so I have read, and so I can easily believe. Viewing pornography is supporting this degradation. Not only that, but it trains men to think of women in certain ways that they cannot simply shake off when in normal company. The patterns of sexualization, objectification, and domination inevitably burst into their minds at random times, and their dear friends who are girls become the objects of their fantasies. A very good description that allows you to understand the problem can be found here: https://theallendercenter.org/2016/10/pornographic-style-relating/. This is where much of men’s shame comes from: knowledge that if their bodies did what their minds occasionally do, they would actually be brutes to the women in their life who they genuinely love and care for.
This consideration gives me a twofold conclusion. If women were around when men talked about this, they would either not talk at all, or heavily sugar-coat what they say to protect the women in their life. And even if men were honest, then this would make it very difficult for women to fully trust them. I give three anecdotes as evidence. The first comes from the words of men who have been in the study. Nearly all of them have expressed the deepest gratitude and importance for having a place where they can speak openly among a group of Christian brothers with whom they can feel truly safe. Another comes from my campus minister. He says that he has had several guys tell him about their experience being honest with their girlfriends about their struggle with lust, particularly pornography and masturbation. My minister says that women are often deeply compassionate and give a beautiful response full of forgiveness and grace… at first. But they often fail to realize that what men struggle with is a real addiction to an activity that gives them immediate chemical pleasure. Men do not get better immediately, and women become impatient and lose their sympathy, leaving men to feel even worse than before. The third anecdote comes from what I have read in relation to this struggle. I haven’t read too much, but everything that I have read agrees that a married man who struggles with some type of sexual sin should not have his wife be his counselor, confidant, accountability partner, etc. Doing so will only hurt their relationship. Why? Because the sin is about her: It makes her feel unwanted, or unsatisfactory, or unloved. In the same way, men’s struggle with sexual sin is about women, and almost always the women in their lives (with the exception of homosexuality or course, which is a whole other topic).
It is important to healing to be honest, so if a guy wants the discussion to be helpful, he will be honest. This would mean that he talks about how he sometimes fantasizes about girls he knows. If a girl he knows is in the room when he says that, she will immediately think, “Is he talking about me?” He will get into his head, and see herself through his eyes when he is at his worst, and this will make her afraid of him, and increase his shame. If he does not want to be honest, then the root issues will never come to the surface. At least, this is what I think is the case.
Yet, of course we must talk about it together. And we do, a little bit. A little while ago I talked with a girl who is a close friend about some things that we talk about in my group. She was a tad nervous when we got on the subject, but open, honest, and gentle conversation that doesn’t delve into specific patterns of behavior or patterns of the heart, that instead focuses on generalities, is very constructive. And indeed, it is encouraging. When there is little information, it is easy to fear our imagination, and our imagination is good at creating terrors worse than reality. When we talk, these fears can dissipate. We spent one semester here at RUF talking about dating, marriage, and sexuality, and it was very helpful. I do not think that this is unique to Clemson. I agree that it may be helpful to talk about it a bit more together, though I disagree that we are not doing that at all. I think we are doing it a little bit officially and unofficially.
In addition, some men and women are better able to handle this discussion than others. You, for example, seem to have that gift. As we grow, more of us will become mature enough to talk about this openly and wisely. But I hesitate to say that high schoolers would be able to have this conversation with each other well.
Although, I just realized that this whole time I have been talking about individuals talking about their own heart, as this is the focus of my group. And of course, this exists in the heart of individuals. But individuals dealing with their own heart is not the only way to talk about it. A sermon or talk about it is an entirely different type of discussion. Because of this, I agree that it would be good for our youth pastors to talk about this with us together as a group in high school, and even in middle school. This would certainly begin to heal or prevent many wounds that you mentioned above. It would be tricky, but if done well, I imagine it would be extremely valuable.
Finally, about the seriousness of sexual sin. It is equally sinful as stealing or lying, for sure. However, this does not imply that it has an equal impact. A lot of the shame that men feel stems from their realization that their actions do have an impact on others. Now, we should not feel despair, because we are truly forgiven and loved and Christ is changing us. Rather, we should strive for earnestness, rejecting passivity.
Sorry, I know that this is absurdly long. I just get excited about this topic because I think it is so important, so I have a lot of thoughts on it. I don’t think all my thoughts are right or anything, I just sort of wrote them down. I hope they can provide some small insights. Again, I am very appreciative of your desire to pursue this project.
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Hi Tim! Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! It’s very helpful for me to hear from a guy; especially one who has some experience talking about these issues.
I agree with the concerns you raised about guys talking to girls about their pornography addiction. The point of this project is for me to introduce topics and hope for rich discussion to follow, so I try to refrain from giving too many of my own opinions in the initial posts. Because of that, my personal stance was a bit vague, but I definitely agree with you, and much of that is from my own personal experience. While they should be aware if he is struggling, girls do not need to be their boyfriend’s/fiance’s/husband’s primary accountability partner. Same-sex friendships are of the utmost importance in this situation if we want to encourage authenticity, and honestly, the girls probably don’t need to know the depths of each guy’s struggle. I think that the girls need to know that it is a problem, more broadly, and perhaps that knowledge needs to be coming from an adult leader focused on educating both the girls and the guys on this subject, rather than a peer telling his individual story, and potentially creating unnecessary strain in his friendships with girls (girls who probably can’t fully understand the complexity of the issue at their young age).
Concerning your point about conversations happening together, I agree that they are happening in the college setting. However, this project is focused on encouraging a paradigm shift in the way that we handle this conversation with middle and high school students, and in my own experience, the conversations are much more rare at that age than they are among college students. I don’t think that high schoolers necessarily have the maturity or nuance to talk to each other about this on the micro level, but a general awareness that they are all fighting this battle together is important. For this reason, I would suggest that the initial conversations that have formerly been separate (male teachers/leaders talking to the guys about pornography/masturbation and female teachers/leaders talking to the girls about modesty) should happen in a combined setting, with everybody hearing the talk on all of the subjects (pornography, masturbation, and modesty) in a more comprehensive talk (as you mentioned in your comment). In my experience, these talks were not discussion-based, but rather the teachers had a little spiel for us on the topic. If this happened in a combined setting, the students would not be forced to tell their personal stories with opposite-sex friends, but it would hopefully create an atmosphere of mutual understanding, which I would think would make for more comfortable interactions between opposite-sex friends. I think that the more personal discussions concerning these issues should mostly happen in a follow-up conversation in same-sex small groups. Do you have thoughts on this approach?
I think we are really in agreement on all of these points, and I hope my response clarified my stance for you. Thank you again for taking the time to formulate your thoughts!
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Ah, good stuff, good stuff. I don’t have much else to say other than I agree that we agree haha! It would certainly have been helpful to have been talked to about these issues in grade school, especially in a mixed setting. Perhaps uncomfortable, but good. This problem is simply a reality of our modern lives, so the Church ought to treat it as such. Near the end of my comment I realized that there was a disconnect between what I was imaging you meant and what you really meant, and this is only because of my experience leading that group of guys. What you are proposing I do believe would be helpful. Still tricky to implement well, but I suppose that is the point of your project!
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2 cent plug. I’m a little late to this…but Tim Schwab pretty much hit the nail on the head. I believe the having the initial talk together would be a great idea. 2 speakers, 1 topic, 2 viewpoints. Awesome. However, I think it would be best if further discussion on the topic (you know where they typically break into groups and discuss questions) should be 1) moderated closely by the speakers and 2) separated by gender. This could be followed by both groups coming back together or something with possible questions for the entire group.
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Megan, as far as youth group experiences go, the discussion was initiated my senior year of high school when two of my guy friends asked permission to get up in front of the entire group to talk about the porn struggle and how modesty played into that. That opened up a big conversation that overall was really good. I appreciated the honesty and it was helpful to have other high schoolers initiate it, instead of group leaders (although they were pretty involved afterwards.)
I did find out though, that only one guy in my youth group of 60+ people wasn’t and had never been addicted to porn. Ever since then, I have entered every new friendship with a guy assuming that they’re addicted or at least have been. It made dating relationships easier for me, because then if someone decided to tell me about it, I wasn’t blindsided. However, when I’ve talked to mentors about it after the fact many of them are alarmed by how okay I was with it. I think that to me, the lines began to blur between ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable’. I’m very thankful for the bravery of those friends from high school, but ultimately, I learned some really personal stuff about them too quickly, which is honestly just awkward at this point. In retrospect, an honest conversation with a few close friends or family, as opposed to youth group buddies, would probably have been much better, and I wouldn’t have started accepting porn as something normal/acceptable.
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Thanks for your comment! I agree that understanding the magnitude of the problem is important so that we aren’t blindsided, and I also agree that it’s easy to blur the lines between “normal” and “acceptable.” Perhaps we should use the word “common” instead of “normal,” because the word “normal” implies some level of acceptability. We need to maintain a balance between freaking out when someone is struggling and treating it as acceptable behavior. It is also hard as teenagers to find a balance between appropriate vulnerability and oversharing. I would hope that careful supervision by adults would help maintain that balance, and I think we have to be extra careful in co-ed settings. The bulk of the vulnerability should probably happen within a girls-only or guys-only small group setting. Any other thoughts you have are welcome! Thank you again for taking the time to comment!
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