{I’m back! I want to apologize for not keeping up with the project during the past month. Soon after my last blog post went up, an unexpected family emergency came up, and I had to take a bit of a hiatus. But I’m back now, and ready to keep the discussion going!}

This week, I want to talk about sexual abuse. First, I want to stress how vitally important it is that we approach this subject as a unified body of believers. Men and women must be equally involved in this discussion, and my prayer is that we will be generous in our patience and compassion with one another.

Sexual violence on college campuses is a hot topic right now. What if we stepped in earlier, educating younger adolescents about consent and what constitutes abuse?

In their research on teen dating violence, Oudekerk, Blachman-Demner, and Mulford from the National Institute of Justice emphasize the important role that teenagers play in each other’s lives. The authors say that “researchers have begun to identify risky or antisocial characteristics of teens’ broader peer social environments that increase the risk for dating violence.” They go on to summarize some of these sobering findings. In addition to this, the authors discuss the ways in which peers impact how teens respond to dating violence. “Studies have identified two ways in which peers play a role in the aftermath of dating violence: (1) Peers often serve as first responders to dating violence, and (2) peers can hinder or encourage legal help-seeking in the form of a protection order.”

If social environments and peers are so important in helping or hindering the prevalence of abuse, then youth groups should be a crucial environment where healthy relationships can be encouraged. This kind of Christian environment is where teenagers can have Christ-centered guidance in their friendships, and ideally, this would provide an opportunity for accountability, for tough questions to be asked, and for Christ to be glorified.

There are two problems that I want to discuss: (1) consent and (2) what constitutes sexual abuse.

A lot of teenagers don’t understand consent. Heck, a lot of adults don’t understand consent! This is a wide-reaching problem, even in the Christian community. In a study of Evangelical Christian dating books, Sarah Moon looks at how these kinds of books address rape and sexual assault. Moon says that in these books, people — particularly women — are often denied autonomy over their own bodies. This leads her to a point that serves as an example of how we (Christians) have failed to educate our teenagers about consent.

“When people, especially women, do not have the right to autonomy over their bodies, it is not surprising when their right to choose whether or not to have sex is ignored or minimized. In these books, I found that, though some language seemed to promote ideas of consent, it only did so to mask the fact that women are limited to choosing from one option. Before marriage, that option is to say ‘no’ to sex, while after marriage, that option is to say ‘yes.’”

Secondly, we need to talk about what constitutes sexual abuse. In her Time article on why victims of rape in college do not report their experiences, Eliza Gray cites a survey from 2007 that was funded by the U.S. Department of Justice. This survey “showed that just over 35% of victims said that they didn’t report to law enforcement because it was ‘unclear that it was a crime or that harm was intended.’” Gray quotes Colby Bruno, Senior Legal Counsel at the Victim Rights Law Center, who said, “Victims don’t often identify it as a crime because they know the person, they trusted the person, [and they had a] sense of denial or disbelief that it happened.” These victims are confused because they do not understand that rape is often perpetrated by someone who knows the victim.

This problem is not limited to the definition of rape. Other types of sexual abuse such as inappropriate touching and even coercion are not always understood by the victim to be a form of abuse. There are many reasons for this, and one stands out to me as particularly important to address with teenagers. Nicole Braddock Bromley addresses this issue in her book, Hush: Moving from Silence to Healing After Childhood Sexual Abuse.

“I will never forget the day I came to understand that our bodies are made to respond to touch. My body didn’t betray me; it was doing what it was supposed to do! It just wasn’t supposed to be awakened to touch in the way and at the time that it was. Once I accepted this truth, I was able to completely understand that it was not my fault! It was my stepfather’s fault.

It’s important to understand that your body’s involuntary response to touch isn’t the same as consent. You may have enjoyed the feeling, but you didn’t enjoy being robbed of your innocence. You didn’t enjoy having someone more powerful than you force his sin upon you. You didn’t enjoy being abused.”

Sadly, I don’t think this experience is uncommon. Victims don’t realize they are being abused because their bodies are working the way they were meant to. This doesn’t mean they aren’t uncomfortable, but when teenagers are getting the message that they need to be wanted in order to be somebody, they will convince themselves that their discomfort is worth it, or that it is irrational, so they try to ignore it. They are afraid of the negative consequences that may arise if they say something. Perhaps they will lose their friends or their reputation, or maybe the abuser or his friends will retaliate.

These are issues that arise in sexual abuse cases regardless of the age of the offender or the victim, but since teenagers’ social lives are so central to their identities, it is important that we address this in the church. Hopefully we can create a safe space in the church, with peers who can be a positive influence and leaders who can facilitate discussion and encourage a better understanding of sexual abuse.

In closing, I want to stress the need for holistic conversations on this topic. We can’t solely focus on the victims or the offenders; we must give attention to both sides. We must equip teenagers to be able to identify if they or someone they know is a victim of sexual abuse. On the other hand, potential offenders need to understand what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Some abusers, especially teenagers, do what they do because they don’t realize that it’s wrong.

For discussion on this topic, I’d like to ask for your thoughts on what methods you think would be most beneficial.

1. What kinds of talks should take place in large group settings, and what should be saved for small group settings?
2. Given the importance of peers, is it possible for a leader to step in too far in this area, and hinder the teenagers’ relationships within their peer groups in the church setting?
3. If so, how can leaders be involved and facilitate healthy discussions without being overly involved?

**Note: I reserve the right to use comments left on this blog as part of my research for this project and any further related projects**

**Disclaimer (added in 2021): When I wrote this blog post in 2017, I used the terms “gay,” “lesbian,” and “bisexual” to refer to people who were open to being in same-sex relationships. I was not intending to make a statement about whether or not I believe Christians should apply these labels to themselves. To read the following as a stance on that particular debate is to misunderstand my original intent.**

(Because I come from an Evangelical Christian perspective, I am assuming an interpretation of scripture that views homosexual behavior as sinful. I do not intend to engage in a theological debate concerning whether God condones homosexual behavior.)

I’m not gay. I’m not lesbian. I’m not bisexual.

I’m same-sex attracted.

I have chosen same-sex attraction as the next conversation to tackle because I felt that it was time. It’s time we talk about it, and it’s time I tell my story.

When I was 12, I found myself in the middle of a battle that I did not understand and had never asked for. I was experiencing a romantic attraction to a female friend, and I was so terrified of what I was thinking and feeling that I convinced myself that it wasn’t real. I convinced myself that I had simply misunderstood my desire for female friendship. I had just come out of a period of loneliness after being transplanted into a new city, and I needed friends. I really wanted friends. That’s all it was. Satan just wanted to mess with my head a little bit, but I knew the truth. I was straight. I didn’t want to be gay, and if I liked girls, I was gay, right?

I went on in this state of denial for 6 years. Each time I felt myself getting too attached to a girl, I just reminded myself (and others) that I was “as straight as they come.” I liked boys, and they liked me, and so I dated a lot of them. And as long as I liked boys, I was straight, right?

When I started college, I was forced out of denial. I found myself attracted to someone who I was spending an exceptional amount of time with, and I was angry. I was angry that my narrative for what I was experiencing was falling to pieces. It had been working for me for 6 years, but I was no longer convinced that what I’d been telling myself all those years was true. I was angry that God would keep letting me feel these things that I so adamantly did not want to feel. I prayed angry prayers at least once a day. “God, I keep telling you that I don’t want this. Why won’t you just take it away? Why would you let me keep sinning when I keep telling you I don’t want to?” I wasn’t in denial anymore, but I swore to myself that this was the secret I would take to the grave, and I believed myself.

God answered my prayers in far different ways than I wanted at the time. He got that person out of my life, and it was painful, but also inexplicably liberating.

At the beginning of my sophomore year of college, I began to break under the weight of shame. In a whirlwind of equal parts fear and courage, I told my closest friend (and roommate at the time). I was shaking and scared, and trying to explain my way around it so that she would not be scared away from friendship with me. I thought that she wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore, or that she would start treating me differently. I was convinced that she was going to be uncomfortable around me. Quietly, patiently, she listened to me stumble through my confession. And then she opened her mouth to speak.

Her response rocked my world.

“Megan. Lust is lust. Lust is a sin, whether you’re lusting after a woman or a man. You’ve done the right thing by not acting on your feelings.”

What?! But surely God would rather me look lustfully at a man than a woman. Surely. But that’s not what my friend said. Instead of shaming me for feeling a desire for women, or trying to fix this flaw in me, she applauded me for living faithfully through my same-sex desires. And since then, I have had so many more people respond with the same grace, including my fiancé. I am surrounded with a support system that has only been encouraging and loving. I had been beating up on myself for nearly 7 years, fighting tooth and nail against my same-sex attraction. The problem was not that I was same-sex attracted, it was that I had been fighting on my own. I had felt like I was fighting by myself against the whole world, God included, but God wanted to fight this battle with me. That’s why he sent his Son: to fight the battle with me, and when I’m not strong enough to keep going, he picks me back up again. That’s why God intentionally put the right people in my life at just the right time: he knew that I couldn’t fight alone.

The shame had built up for 7 years, and that much shame doesn’t go away overnight. It has been a process, and there is still shame, but I am at peace. I know that this is likely my reality for the long-term, and I am at peace. I have made a conscious decision to live faithfully through my same-sex attraction, just like all Christians are called to consciously live faithfully despite their own temptations, whatever they may be. I choose to find my identity in Christ rather than my sexual orientation.

I’ve been in the church my whole life, but I never heard anyone differentiate between same-sex attraction (SSA) and a gay identity until I was 19. Many don’t, and some have so much trouble reconciling their faith with their SSA that they leave the church and adopt a gay identity. In Mark Yarhouse’s book, Homosexuality and the Christian, Yarhouse says that the gay community views SSA Christians as “their people,” and they feel that they’ve failed them, “sending them to a group that, in their minds, took advantage of them and misrepresented research to the detriment of sexual minorities.” In response to this, Yarhouse says,

“It got me thinking about why the church doesn’t lead with the thought and attitude that Christians who struggle with homosexuality are our people. Think about that for a second: sexual minorities in the church, by which I mean believers who experience same-sex attraction, are our people. Framing the issue this way can lead to greater compassion as the church tries to find ways to provide support and encouragement to those in our own communities who would benefit from it.”

Not surprisingly, SSA is something that typically is realized during adolescence, and the shame begins very early. Adolescents don’t know how to think or talk about homosexuality, and often the conversations among young adolescents are very degrading. They use the word “gay” to refer to something or someone that they don’t like, and the young person experiencing SSA internalizes this. Can we blame them?

The question I want to ask of you is not whether or not we should talk about this with teenagers, but how we should talk about it. How can we help teenagers understand the difference between SSA and adopting a gay identity? How can we help teenagers with SSA understand what living faithfully through SSA looks like? How can we help the SSA individuals in our youth groups and schools feel less marginalized, and more like our people?

While I welcome your feedback on this issue, please keep in mind that this is a sensitive subject to many who may read this blog. Please be mindful of treating our stories with dignity.

**Note: I reserve the right to use comments left on this blog as part of my research for this project and any further related projects**

This past week, I’ve been reflecting on what seems to have been a critical experience in the formation of a lot of people’s understanding of their sexuality as teenagers. It happens in schools (particularly Christian schools, I would assume, but correct me if I’m wrong) and youth groups, and it is so well-intentioned, yet so damaging to many. Teachers or youth leaders separate the guys and the girls, and male teachers/leaders talk to the guys about pornography and masturbation, and female teachers/leaders talk to the girls about modesty. Let me outline some problems that I’ve seen with this, both from my own personal experience and from others I’ve talked to.

***DISCLAIMER***

I’m not trying to make truth claims, and I’m not intending to over-generalize the effects that I’ve observed. I’m just presenting some thoughts I have formulated. I’m not a boy, so some of my points concerning boys were based on inferences I’ve made over the years. Feel free to (respectfully) correct me if you think my views are inaccurate.

(1) The girls often walk away feeling ashamed of their bodies.

When we tell girls they need to cover up because it’s their responsibility to keep the guys’ lustful eyes in check, we’re encouraging them to be ashamed of their bodies and the message is often interpreted as “your body causes your brothers to stumble, so it’s bad and you should cover it up.”

(2) The girls begin to view men as dangerous brutes who are incapable of controlling themselves.

When girls are told that it’s their responsibility to keep guys from lusting, they are given the idea that guys cannot control themselves, so it’s up to the girls to carry that weight on their own. This idea undermines girls’ abilities to respect guys as humans who are capable of being decent. I experienced this with my fiancé, and even now, over three years into our relationship, I still find myself occasionally overcompensating for his (imagined) inability to treat me in a respectable manner. He’s never given me any reason not to trust him to treat me well, but my past experiences trained me to see him in a negative light.

(3) The guys begin to view themselves as dangerous brutes who are incapable of controlling themselves.

Not only are the girls’ views of guys negatively impacted, but the guys also are given the message that they have little control over their sex drives. They begin to see themselves in the same negative light as the girls. This may lead to justification of sexual sin, because they think that their sexually driven actions are out of their control, or “normal.” This also may lead to compounded shame because they feel out of control and they want to be in control.

(4) Talking only to guys about pornography and masturbation perpetuates the false idea that those are exclusively guys’ problems.

This is one lie that continues to astound me. When we lead girls to think that pornography and masturbation are guys’ problems, we heap truckloads of shame on the girls when they are struggling. So many girls struggle with this, and yet, it’s never been something we talk about. Covenant Eyes has a statistics pack that is a downloadable PDF on their website. It says that in 2008, more than 560 college students responded to an online survey. The results were astonishing — the report states that according to the survey, 93% of boys and 62% of girls were exposed to pornography before the age of 18 (www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats/). The report provides pages of information, and I would encourage you to take a look. 

This is also a problem for the guys, because it leads them to normalize pornography and masturbation. I once dated someone who tried to downplay his pornography use by telling me that I would be hard pressed to find a guy who didn’t watch porn. Guys try to justify it because everyone does it, and they are almost expected to. Girls also begin to normalize it, as I did, and they expect that every guy they date watches porn. This is a perspective that is hard to change.

(5) Talking to the girls and guys separately causes division where there should be unity.

We have established by now that we are all sexually broken. We are all impacted in some way by sexual sin, and we can’t combat that sin effectively if we are not combating it in unity. The separate conversations make teenagers feel like it’s inappropriate or taboo to talk to members of the opposite sex about these issues. Our battle against sexual sin should not be a battle we are fighting alone. Sure, dressing modestly is important, but how can we level the playing field? I think we need to show teenagers that it’s not exclusively the girls’ responsibility to keep the guys from stumbling, but it’s also not exclusively the guys’ responsibility to keep themselves in check. After the separated conversations when I was in high school, classmates would make jokes about it. Girls would mock the teachers who emphasized the importance of not “causing our brothers to stumble.” The girls and the guys felt really awkward because we didn’t know how to talk to each other. The conversation had been initiated separately, so there was no room for it to become a joint conversation. It may be awkward, but talking about pornography with high schoolers in a co-ed setting does not seem like something to avoid just because it can sometimes be uncomfortable.

That being said, I’d like to hear about your experiences! Here are some discussion questions to guide your responses. Don’t feel limited by these questions — I just want to hear your thoughts!

1. Did you experience something like this? What happened? How did it shape your view of yourself and the opposite sex?
2. Do you see any particular benefits to having this (initial) conversation take place with the girls and the guys in separate settings? Do you see any other problems with it that I did not mention?
3. What solutions would you suggest as an alternative to this method?
4. My perspective is sorely limited as a female. Guys — are my inferences correct? What kinds of effects (good or bad) do you think these types of conversations had on you or your friends? What was the tone like and how was the message interpreted?

**Note: I reserve the right to use comments left on this blog as part of my research for this project and any further related projects**

While there are a lot of problems that stem from the purity movement, and the resulting purity paradigm, I want to start with a more basic issue. This is a problem that has particularly impacted females, although males have played a role as well, and I would love to hear feedback from both sides. In following with the purpose of this project, I will only give a very brief introduction to this first issue that I want to discuss. I could say so much more, but I want to leave room for others to talk! So, here it is…

We have a tendency to unintentionally communicate the idea that sex is dirty. It is crucial to understand that our sexual nature is not a mistake. It is part of the way that God created us [on purpose!]. To talk with our teenagers as if sex is something nasty or even just uncomfortable to talk about brazenly disrespects one of God’s very good parts of his good creation, and I believe that is what the purity movement’s well-intentioned, but damaging emphasis on purity has done.

In her book, Faithful: A Theology of Sex, Beth Felker Jones says, “In this paradigm, sexual purity turns the body into a commodity.” The purity movement put an emphasis on virginity as a most valuable possession. The terms “purity” and “virginity” seem to have become nearly synonymous; if you “lost your virginity,” you “lost your purity,” and neither was something you could recover. Virginity was a commodity to be clung to, and once you lost it, you could never get it back. Sure, there is truth to this — once someone has sex for the first time, they technically can never get their virginity back. The problem here is that the emphasis is being placed so strongly on the value that purity carries, and that value transfers to the holder of the purity. The one who remains pure has value, and once he/she loses that purity, he/she loses their value.

Let me give just one example of how this message was delivered. I remember hearing the metaphor that each time you date a guy, you give a piece of your heart away. If you date too many guys, when you finally find your husband, you will only have scraps left to give him — you can no longer give him your whole self. The fundamental problem with this is that it leaves no room for Christ’s redemptive work in our lives. It has made many people, girls in particular, feel unworthy of their spouse’s love because of mistakes they have made.

One long-term problem that this message has created is that when two Christians get married after being steeped in this purity message, it can make for a difficult adjustment into married life. How are they supposed to go from it being the most wrong, dirty thing they could do to being the most right, beautiful thing that they are supposed to do… all in one day? I think it comes down to intentions. Sure, we should abstain from sex if we are unmarried, but what is our motive behind abstaining?

This brings us to the discussion questions that I want to raise. I want to hear your responses and thoughts, and they don’t have to be specifically answering these questions, but here are a few starting points:

1. How can we emphasize the importance of saving sex for marriage while simultaneously avoiding devaluing and objectifying teenagers based on their purity? How can we balance the message that “sex is good” with the message of “don’t do it yet”?
2. In what ways has this purity concept been explained to you? Have you heard other metaphors similar to the one I heard? Have you experienced conversations that helped you to build a stronger, more biblically rich foundation for understanding your sexuality and reasons for abstaining from sex until marriage? Or, on the other hand, have you heard damaging rhetoric that led to an unhealthy view of yourself and your sexuality?
3. How can we make this conversation more equal between guys and girls, so that the brunt of the pressure is not being put on girls?

**Note: I reserve the right to use comments left on this blog as part of my research for this project and any further related projects**

Hello friends! Welcome to the Proverbs 2 Project! This website is the product of several years of running. I felt God’s calling, and while I was saying, “No, God. I’m too scared. I’m too weak. I’m not equipped to do this. Find someone else,” that still small voice was saying, “Let me use you. Let me use this. You are weak, but I am strong. You are not equipped, but I am giving you all you need.” So I decided to stop running and start listening. This post is a more lengthy introduction to the project than what is written in the “About the Project” section of the website, but stay tuned for the next installment. That will be when the project really gets going!

Background

First, let’s make one thing clear: I am doing this because I love the church. I want to see Christ’s bride flourish. This project is not about bashing God’s people, but rather, it is because of my love for the church that I am looking for solutions. This is not a place for me or anyone else to simply voice complaints.

During my college career, I have become more aware of the need in the church for more healthy conversations with our teenagers concerning sexuality. I have seen it in my own story and in countless stories from others who have been hurt by Christianity’s faulty portrayal of biblical sexuality. Much of this is due to the damaging rhetoric of the purity movement, which is still at work today.

I’ve had many conversations with wise people over the past few years – friends, professors, and pastors. Everyone seems to see the need, and there are countless Christ-followers who are working to bring healing and change to the church. My desire is to join their efforts and be a voice for positive change.

The Blog

This blog is not only a personal calling that God has given me, but it is also serving as my project for my Bachelor Thesis. I will be posting on this blog once a week or so, and each post will introduce a different topic having to do with sexuality. I won’t be focusing on voicing my own opinions, and I don’t plan on using this blog as an outlet for me to share my own story for the sake of gaining personal attention. When applicable, I may share parts of my own experience, but that is not the purpose of this project. Instead, I will be opening up topics for discussion, and researching throughout the process, so the posts will take a more academic perspective than a personal one.

The goal is for people to respond to the ideas that I introduce. I want to hear your stories! This project won’t work without YOU. My hope is that this will turn into a long-term project. I will be using the insight that I receive from my readers for a few purposes. The first is to shape my topic ideas from post to post. I’m hoping that the discussion that takes place here will give me clarity about where there is need for more discussion. The second way I will use your responses is in my final paper for my Bachelor Thesis. I will draw on blog comments in my analysis of the project to show evidence of common themes. Finally, the third and most important way that I will use the responses to the blog is to formulate some long-term solutions that will hopefully be useful to the church. This part of the process will go beyond my thesis, and my prayer is that it will turn into something bigger than my paper. This is a place for discussion. If you had a negative experience, tell us what happened, and if you have ideas of how things could have been done more effectively, tell us that too! On the other hand, if you had a good experience, that’s so great! Tell us about it!

The Audience

Anyone is welcome here, but I am particularly looking for feedback from people (men and women) who have been involved in Christian organizations – church, youth group, Christian schools, and so on. I value your feedback, because I need insight born out of real, personal experiences. If you don’t fit in this category, but you want to talk to me or have questions, I would be thrilled to talk to you! You are welcome to utilize the “Contact” page for that purpose.

An Appeal for Wisdom

The inspiration for the name of this project came recently when I read Proverbs 2. The whole chapter is beautiful and applicable to my vision for this project, and I would encourage you to go, find your Bible, and read it. For the sake of space, I will share just the first 5 verses, which particularly stood out to me.

1 My son, if you accept my words
    and store up my commands within you,
² turning your ear to wisdom
    and applying your heart to understanding—
³ indeed, if you call out for insight
    and cry aloud for understanding,
⁴ and if you look for it as for silver
    and search for it as for hidden treasure,
⁵ then you will understand the fear of the Lord
    and find the knowledge of God. [NIV]

I’m calling out for insight and wisdom while clinging to the promise that God will provide understanding.

The First Appeal

I have several ideas of topics to write about, but I would love to hear your ideas! What would you like to talk about? What resources should I look into in my research as I write on this blog? My own ideas and knowledge are not sufficient – I can’t make this project succeed by myself.

I will hopefully be getting the first post (with a topic) up soon. Stay tuned, subscribe, comment, pray me through this, and share, share, share! This is going to be a crazy journey, but I’m excited to see what God has in store, and I’m hoping you will join me!

~Megan~

**Note: I reserve the right to use comments left on this blog as part of my research for this project and any further related projects**