Hello friends! It’s been a while! I haven’t touched this blog since I finished my senior thesis over a year ago, but I recently received a comment on my blog post titled “I’m Not Gay,” and it prompted me to share some reflections on what I have learned during the first year (almost) of marriage. I plan to continue reflecting and writing on this subject at length in the future, so this is hopefully just a teaser of what’s to come.

Ever since I went public with the story of my experience with same-sex attraction back in February 2017, I’ve expected a question like this one, and I’m honestly surprised it’s taken this long for someone to ask! I have a feeling more people wonder, but don’t have the courage to ask, so Tim and I agreed that I should make my reply a blog post in itself. Regardless, you all have been so supportive, so I think I owe you an update! If you haven’t read the original post, you can find it here.

The question I received was from Hannah: “How are you making your current marriage work in light of this? I’m confused how either of you are sexually fulfilled.”

I’ve been married for nearly a year now, and Tim and I have learned so much. My views on same-sex attraction (SSA) and how we should approach the subject as Christians have not changed, but my understanding of how marriage can work in light of SSA has become so beautifully rich.

To be honest, it’s been a journey with many ups and downs, but one that I don’t think is limited to people with SSA. In a culture that tells us to chase after the person who we have the most sexual chemistry with, it is particularly challenging to view marriage as something deeper than a committed sexual partnership. One of the most egregious errors we can make is to view marriage as a means to an end — that end being our own sexual fulfillment. Because of our personal and unique circumstances, my husband and I have learned earlier and faster what most Christian couples learn after years of marriage: in a Christ-honoring marriage, sex is important (I do not want to downplay this!) but there are so many other aspects to marriage that make it richer and more fulfilling than sex alone. I am attracted to Tim, but that attraction goes beyond physical appeal. I’m attracted to his humor, his personality, his kindness, how he cares for me and serves me, and the fact that when I look at him I see the rest of my life. It’s an all-encompassing attraction that will endure through the years, as we age and become disenchanted with each other’s bodies, and marriage loses its spark. A lasting marriage can never be built on sexual attraction alone.

Sex in marriage — that is, sex as God intended it — is an act that reflects God’s image in us, and it’s not something that we do to fulfill our own selfish desires. Sex is an opportunity for us to give something to each other, whether it’s exactly what we want in the moment or not. It’s self-sacrificial, just like Christ’s love for us, and when our focus is on giving something to each other, it is the most fulfilling gift we could give or receive. The bottom line is that we are committed to each other, regardless of how good or bad our sex life is on any given day. I may struggle with a sexual attraction toward women, and that may drive a wedge between us at times, but I also may struggle with a sexual attraction toward men who are not my husband, and that is just as likely to tear us apart. The heart of the issue is sin, and so my situation isn’t all that different than anyone else’s. We choose each other every day, and it’s one of the most fulfilling choices we’ve made.

I believe that our circumstances have only served to make our marriage a more beautiful picture of God’s faithful redemptive work in our lives. There is not a single person in this world who doesn’t come into marriage sexually broken, and we are all called to live faithfully in spite of that. Marriage takes work, just as any relationship takes work in a broken world, but it is holy and anointed work, and it is my pleasure to spend my life fighting for us.

I would never encourage someone to marry a person they are not attracted to, but I firmly believe that we put far too much emphasis on erotic attraction and sexual chemistry before marriage. Tim has been my best friend for the past 5 years, and everything about us being together always made sense, except one thing: I didn’t often get the butterflies in my stomach that the world told me I was supposed to have for the man I loved. I knew that I loved him and I didn’t want to commit the rest of my life to anyone else, and so I trusted that the sexual side would fall into place when the time came for us to be married. I was confident that I would learn to desire him in that way in the context of our marriage covenant.

And friends, our God is faithful. I trusted that He would not guide me into a covenant marriage without also carrying me through it, and he has showered blessing upon blessing on our marriage. I have learned that if you make a choice to love someone as a whole person, and appreciate all of their positive characteristics, the ability to love them sexually will follow. We have had our fair share of fear, doubt, and tears, but our love for each other has grown in ways I never could have imagined, and I stand in wonder of my Father’s faithfulness.

So Hannah, and anyone else out there who has wondered, we make our marriage work in the only way that we know how: by resting on the promises of a steadfast Father. We can’t have it both ways; our focus is on either God or ourselves. When our focus is rightly on our vertical relationship with Christ, it postures our hearts in such a way that we can take part in a rich, self-sacrificial horizontal relationship with each other. This kind of heart transformation must take place in order to receive true fulfillment, because the only true fulfillment is found in Christ.